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I am a third-generation pirate
Dad and gramps, that’s what they thought I’d be
But I’ve been on this boat so long
And the older I get I know it’s not the gig for me

Now I know why I don’t fit in
Looking at the scoundrels all around me
My chiseled face and perfect skin
Stand out in this sea of ugly

I am a gorgeous pirate
The only treasure here is my eyes
This job of robbery, I don’t desire it
The Dutchmen wishes he looked so fly

The open sea’s not meant for the really handsome
Case in point: those tacky wooden legs
Your fashion sense is with Davey Jones, that patch is gross
I volunteer to go walk the plank

Parrots suck, can we get a dog?
Avast ye lads, those legs need waxing
Sagging pants will earn you a flog
No one wants to see your Kraken

I am a stunning pirate
What dumb blind dude taught you to groom?
This will for pillaging, I don’t admire it
Take some tips from Orlando Bloom

I am a dashing pirate
The tricorn’s so 1662
This lust for plundering, I say retire it
I bet a mirror would change Roger’s mood


from Demons in the Undertow, track released September 16, 2016




Smashy Claw Longmont, Colorado

Not unlike a rock band.

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