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Snow & Sadness

by Smashy Claw

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It is technically possible that I will be home for Christmas Although unlikely Theoretically it could happen, but I usually miss it So don’t plan on me A blinding house, a tree decked out A snowman on the lawn, but I’ll be gone Singing strangers songs Nameless cities and icy windows, muddy grey on the off-ramp Missed call blinking light Spending hours on autopilot, singing lyrics that I have Sang too many times A cookie trey, a light display But someone isn’t there, the stuffing stares At an empty chair Searching for a rhyme, some forgotten line Gotta get the product out on time Massive sold out crowd, deafeningly loud But none of them are who I need right now Some mistletoe with lips below Are watching on TV so they can see me Rocking New Year’s Eve
Its booze and boobs and blood and blow That make a merry Christmas Some booze and boobs and blood and blow Are all that’s on my wish list Every holiday I seem to get so very sad But give me booze and boobs and blood and blow and I’ll be glad Booze and boobs and blood and blow Appear each time a bell rings Some booze and boobs and blood and blow Are all my favorite things All I want for Christmas is a gal, beer, drugs and war Tell me Santa that it isn’t too much to ask for Come on and get me booze and boobs and blood and blow Don’t need no lords-a-leaping Its booze and boobs and blood and blow That please the baby Jesus It’s the time of year for peace and love to all mankind Nix the peace, and add some coke and hops and that’d be fine Booze, boobs, blood, blow On wish list Booze, boobs, blood, blow Make Christmas
Christmunks 02:49
Christmas has gone all to hell Cast upon by Satan’s spell Those heretic thugs have poisoned this once holy day But we know that this life’s a test So joke’s on them, cause when they’re dead They’ll burn as we high five Yahweh Jesus died for me and you The very least that we can do Is worship his name, or bathe in the flame if we don’t I can hardly stand the wait To stand before that pearly gate And laugh at the heathens below So Merry Christmas, apostates We’ll pray for your eternal souls
Oh boy, don’t you love consumerism? All the kids are jonesing for some seasonal junk Nestled in their beds, hoping Santa’s not far But guess who just was rushed in to your local ER? Santa had a heart attack From some steady build-up of arterial plaque Santa had a heart attack The red he once adorned is now an ominous black Jesus, does it take a genius to see Constant cookies causes coronary disease He rates a 67 on the BMI scale And those former rosy cheeks are looking frighteningly pale Santa had a heart attack It’s not all that surprising when you’re that old and fat Santa had a heart attack Acute MI is hiding in your sugary snack Here comes Santa Claus On a stretcher in the ICU The roads are icy, as they put in an IV Maybe a defibrillation or two He is jumping, his heart ain't pumping When they place those pads on his chest The fat man lets out an anguished cry Pungent with the stench of death A year has passed since the infamous day Santa's just a vegetable, which he should've ate The world lives on as a little bit less Zipping up the story with a pacemaker chest


The holiday compilation EP of December Claw Machines.


released November 28, 2016




Smashy Claw Longmont, Colorado

2011 - 2018

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